Are we but a composition of all of those we have known?
I recall learning in college, the first time-around, that children's personalities are supposed to be established and set at age 6. That means, that how they are then is how they will always be. Lately, however, I have wondered if this is indeed true. When I think back to my life, and all of the people I have known, I realize how much of each of them has influenced me.
From my grandfather Crapsey, I gained a huge respect and admiration for baking. My grandpa made a huge box of cookies for each of his 9 living children each year at Christmas time. I can still recall the smell of the cookies baking. The table laid out with dozens upon dozens of decortated cookies. He started every December 1. This was a tradition that I have carried on off-and-on for my siblings since I became an adult. In fact, I was always so poor in college, that I could not afford Christmas gifts. Instead, I saved up to have the $50 that it took to make cookies for each of my siblings.
From my grandmother Crapsey, I learned of a love that could not sustain a death. And I learned that a couple could have huge fights, and huge love, all at the same time. I remember the fights that they might have with my grandpa saying that he was going to divorce my grandma, yet she could not survive without him.
My personality was affected by the abandonment and desolation I felt when my grandparents died, and I was forced to live with a viscious aunt. My faith and trust in people abolished as I laid witness to the greed and vengefullness of my aunts and uncles stealing everything from my grandparents' house before my grandmother's body was even cold.
And just when I might have regained some faith, when my biological father rescued us from the horrid aunt, the nail that is distrust was driven deeper by his later abandonment.
As I continue to reflect, I realize that a part of me was always yearning for love that I was not getting. I tried to hard to buy peoples' affections, not with monetary means, but with my affection, my naive trust, my helpfulness. I just now realized that... My teachers used to always get on me for helping the very same kids who would hurt me at a moment's notice. I used to think that I was living my life by the golden rule; but maybe that wasn't it at all...
I learned how to use food as love from my school chum Sonya. She introduced me to the joys of eating not just one, or even two, but 3 or 4 glazed donuts as we walked home from school. Looking back, I am convinced that Sonya too was being abused. I wonder what ever happened to her...
In the guardian angel that was my cousin Debbie, I finally got a taste of unconditional love, and what being a good mother is all about.
So many things shaped my life, my thoughts, my beliefs; my personality could not possibly been set at age 6. It is a reflection now of my experiences, my personal relationships with others, my education, both formal and from life. What I am today is so much more than I ever could have been at age 6. It makes me wonder how much more my personality might change in 20 or 30 more years....
From my grandfather Crapsey, I gained a huge respect and admiration for baking. My grandpa made a huge box of cookies for each of his 9 living children each year at Christmas time. I can still recall the smell of the cookies baking. The table laid out with dozens upon dozens of decortated cookies. He started every December 1. This was a tradition that I have carried on off-and-on for my siblings since I became an adult. In fact, I was always so poor in college, that I could not afford Christmas gifts. Instead, I saved up to have the $50 that it took to make cookies for each of my siblings.
From my grandmother Crapsey, I learned of a love that could not sustain a death. And I learned that a couple could have huge fights, and huge love, all at the same time. I remember the fights that they might have with my grandpa saying that he was going to divorce my grandma, yet she could not survive without him.
My personality was affected by the abandonment and desolation I felt when my grandparents died, and I was forced to live with a viscious aunt. My faith and trust in people abolished as I laid witness to the greed and vengefullness of my aunts and uncles stealing everything from my grandparents' house before my grandmother's body was even cold.
And just when I might have regained some faith, when my biological father rescued us from the horrid aunt, the nail that is distrust was driven deeper by his later abandonment.
As I continue to reflect, I realize that a part of me was always yearning for love that I was not getting. I tried to hard to buy peoples' affections, not with monetary means, but with my affection, my naive trust, my helpfulness. I just now realized that... My teachers used to always get on me for helping the very same kids who would hurt me at a moment's notice. I used to think that I was living my life by the golden rule; but maybe that wasn't it at all...
I learned how to use food as love from my school chum Sonya. She introduced me to the joys of eating not just one, or even two, but 3 or 4 glazed donuts as we walked home from school. Looking back, I am convinced that Sonya too was being abused. I wonder what ever happened to her...
In the guardian angel that was my cousin Debbie, I finally got a taste of unconditional love, and what being a good mother is all about.
So many things shaped my life, my thoughts, my beliefs; my personality could not possibly been set at age 6. It is a reflection now of my experiences, my personal relationships with others, my education, both formal and from life. What I am today is so much more than I ever could have been at age 6. It makes me wonder how much more my personality might change in 20 or 30 more years....
posted by Just Kimberly @ 3:56 PM
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